Do you ever just sit and wonder how an earth you’ve made it? It’s almost as if time stops dead for a moment or two. The slow realisation that due to the humongous battle you’ve had, you’ve almost forgotten every step you had to take to get here.
That happened this morning. We finally turn 30 weeks tomorrow. The mile stone that once upon a time felt so unbelievably unachievable Is here!
Naturally my first reaction was to shop. Like all Mum’s to be I have felt an overwhelming urge to nest. I want to buy pretty pink things and wash them until they smell clean enough to dress our baby in. I want to pram shop and decorate. I want to prepare and get ready! I want to enjoy this pregnancy without a crippling feeling of guilt and fear that I may “jinx” things.
Well now we can. Now we can talk about our baby like other parents to be do. We can mention her name without wincing. We can choose a nursery theme and a co sleeper. We can finally feel happy.
Aside from all that, I am reflecting. Reflecting on what got us here. Reflecting on how we have had to use the pain of the past to drive us forward. Losing a child is the most devastatingly unnatural feeling. It just shouldn’t be. It hurts like no other and drives a cold dagger of pain right into your heart. No matter what happens it’s always there. Sometimes it’s unbearable and at others it’s just a distant memory.
For many years it broke us. Caused us to live In fear of a future pregnancy. Caused us to both need therapy and a way to talk without the rage setting in. Now it feels different. Now it is a driving force for change. A way to push us to make a difference. A way to encourage others to read and to understand. Combine Grace’s death with how our beautiful little boys arrived and you have a powerful driving force. You have parents that have experienced it all. Parents that are not afraid to stand up when needed. Parents that feel strong enough to say NO. You have 2 people that alone feel as though they could take on an army of ill equipped healthcare professionals and together, can take on the world.
It’s taken a really long time to get here. 6 years in fact. If you are reading this and are struggling to cope with the pain of a loss through cervical insufficiency, please be kind to yourself. Please allow yourself to breathe. Your time will come. Your strength will come and I feel for anyone who stands in your way when it does.
For now tho, I’m not angry, I’m happy. I’m happy and ready for what the future holds. I’m ready for the final leg of this journey. Ready for the waddle. Ready for the heartburn and stretch marks. Ready for it all.
We are officially beating cervical insufficiency and you can too. Change is coming. Awareness is being raised and I will not stop until we receive the care we deserve. Sit tight ladies and gents. This is our time to shine.
Love to all,