So today is our 34 week milestone. We have officially surpassed the extreme prematurity stage!
As much as we have always tried our best to remain focused and positive, the image of those little plastic greenhouses and beeping machines in NICU were always niggling away at the back of my mind.
Deep down I don’t think I ever truly believed that we would ever have a baby and NICU not be part of our journey. I guess it is part of our normal. It’s normal to witness blood transfusions and heel pricks. It was normal to watch them suction away the gunk from out little ones airways and stop those “taccys and braddys”
The daily struggle of sitting by that little box, watching oxygen levels fluctuate and staring in at the tiny miracle in front of you isn’t going to be part of this experience. We won’t be torn between an overwhelming love for our newborn and crippling feeling of guilt and pain. We won’t feel frustrated when sat there for 12 hours a day with nothing to do but wipe our babies lips and nose. We won’t lay awake at night when over 20 miles away from our baby feeling like the world’s worst parents in the world for leaving them when we had no other option.
This time is going to be so different. Of course if our little one decides to arrive before 37 weeks, she will still be classed as a premature baby. However I think we are finding comfort in knowing that as the weeks tick down, so do the risks.
I have thought long and hard about our journey this week and it suddenly dawned on me that we haven’t really felt a period of calm for a very long time. We have always, at some point in the day felt anxious. I honestly can not remember the last time we just felt “normal” I do worry that 9 months of heightened anxiety may take it’s toll on us but I guess we can tackle that issue if we need to at a later date. I have made a promise to myself to keep a close eye on us and to be kind. I’m not afraid to ask for help should I need it. I know only too well how ignoring any form of mental health struggle is always the wrong thing to do.
The good news is that our little one is already estimated to weigh 5lb 5oz and we have our “ditch the stitch” date of the 23rd of February. We will be 36+1 and I guess she could arrive at any point after that.
All of this is new territory for us. Not knowing when we will go into labour, not really knowing the signs of full term labour and what to look out for. Learning not to panic and to embrace what lies ahead.
This is a new normal for us. A new experience. We are of course completely ready but I’d be lieing if I said I wasn’t Absolutly terrified.
I hope our little one gets the smooth arrival that she deserves. I have been accessing the world of hypnobirthing and guided meditation. As you all know I’m not opposed to pain relief and believe me I will take it all if needed, but, I do love the idea of a calm Mummy giving birth to a calm baby.
I hope that the next time I write to you it will be to tell you all the delightful details of our stitch removal op! We only have 15 more days to get through ❤
For now, it’s back to my Bed for lots of rest and to clock up my sleep tokens. I’ve a feeling I’m going to need them!